Minds Eye

Into the mind of a Black Woman.

I believed in crazy things when I was younger

You know Santa, tooth fairy, monster under the bed

Stuff like that

those are the kind of things to you can get over when you find out it’s not real

So….why can’t I get over you

It’s not like I’m in love with you or anything

Could it be that I believed in your truth

Your struggle, your success and intellect

Or could it be that I believed in your lies, while compromising with your demands

You might as well have been a figment of my imagination

Cause I believed you could do wonders

Do no wrong like the fairy god mother granting Cinderella’s wish to go to the ball

like there wasn’t an underlining clause

But like a child catching their parents putting presents under a tree

I’ll grow up and grow out of believing in silly things like you

We are given a life where we have to constantly fail to get to nowhere

Shouldn’t there be a guide book called ‘how to live your life till you get put in a grave for dummys’

I mean maybe that’s just too easy

Why not just live a life where in everything you do there’s a possibility you could die from it?

Sounds more exciting to me.

From the dancing and laughing To the kisses on the forehead

The subtle touches showing you care

Catching me staring at you when you’re focused and seeing your smile

My misery turned to joy

My anxiety changed from tropical storms to calming sea

But every time I get that feeling it’s the wrong time

Right when I was doing good on my own the unsettling feeling of I deserve to be alone comes creeping back in

Back to being that girl in high school that was made fun of

Scareface girl cause of a birthmark

Still the same feeling of being laughed at every time

Why am I even here ?

have I really kept myself alive up to this point?

Or did I actually succeed and this is my personal hell that I’ve wrapped myself in

Repeating the same things

Bringing my worse fears to life

So is it really the wrong time and place or is this hell ?

She is stuck crawling on the ground

Unable to fly away from misery that

She puts up with each day

But unlike the butterfly she has love

She has someone who sits on the phone for hours

And talk about her day.

Although hes in another house

He would still watch the same movie

And compare it to their life today.

He still remembers the little things

She says even when she does not.

He shows her love and together they are one.

They tracked her for nine hours by following the blood on the snow..slowly the tracks start to fade and ends at a large puddle in the end.

The men halted in an open field confused on why the tracks stopped and where the woman would’ve gone. Surveying the area with only the full moon on their backs, flashlights and two highly trained hunting dogs. The field had an dreadful silence, not a single sound entered the area.

Growing weary from the search one hunter spoke up, “Guys the dogs might lose her scent if we dont figure out where the tracks are. Plus it seems like she patched herself up somehow.” He bends down to sooth the anxious hunting dog.

“shut up and keep looking,” Shouted the second hunter, “she couldnt have gotten far with this amount of blood lost.”

The leader of the three men walks closer and croutches down next to the pool of blood. Still confused on how the blood was still fresh but nothing confused him more is the snow only fell in the treeline and no where near the field itself. This just doesn’t seem right, he pondered for a moment.

As he reached to examine the blood one last time before giving up on the search chaos erupts in the background. All the hounds began the bark a howl at what seems to be absolutely nothing. one hound escapes from his leash and races towards the leader and the blood….

TO BE CONTINUED a comment, like and shared for part 2

I don’t know if I really want this as a poem or whatever but let’s be real…I recently got in trouble for doing something grown folks do.

Was I suppose to do it where I did it… no

But hell are you suppose to be fucking in a car? Plane? Restroom in a restaurant, mall etc? Broom closet at ya job? No but we do it anyways.

1. Cause we grown and

2. it’s a natural thing

Yes I believe marriage is a scared thing.

Even though in reality.. it was never meant for love but for stability, power and partnership.

I would love to love someone and think it’s enough but I can’t just love them…

I have to trust in their ability to lead and not break down when the going gets tough.

Maybe I’m not meant to write a book but maybe just to blog my thoughts and poems

My minds eye…. I want the world to be my journal… fuck the judgement and I’m not the smartest person in the room cause I have some real dumb questions that need answers and ima ask them.

All these damn grammar mistakes are meant to be read as is cause Im fucking talking and my language ain’t perfect

But back to the fact that I’m grown and getting punished for being just that

You want us to act like adults but you punish us like kids

But anyways dummmb off topic

This is the grown series

Like I’m grown and sexy

Grown and independent

Grown and insecure

Grown and. Childish

Grown and unsure

Grown and undefined

Grown and a single parent

Grown and helpless

Grown and naive

Grown and broke

Grown and abused/ abusive

And many more to come… thank you and tune in

Loneliness isn’t what people think it is

People think it’s feeling alone even when the room is full…

Honestly that not really how it is..

Loneliness is preferring to have been kidnapped and held hostage..

Cause I mean at least you know your Captor will actually come see you..

Loneliness is preferring to have been on a deserted island after a terrible crash and never found…

Cause I mean at least your not excluded on purpose… right ?

Loneliness is not giving a fuck about what anyone else thinks about you

Cause let’s admit our thoughts are crippling enough….to be okay with being in the dark…

Loneliness is hearing someone say your name and you look with a glint in your eye from finally being noticed

Loneliness is being chased through the wilderness by any wild animal because at least something wants you…

Loneliness is getting stuck in a endless conversation with someone who doesn’t know how to shut up because who is interested in talking to you til the sun goes down…

Loneliness is a crippling feeling that builds its own anxiety and depressing aspects…

Loneliness is the wall that you build for 24 years cause you grew up in a household without a friend, a hero, mentor…family

Loneliness is growing up in a big family and not being close to anyone

Loneliness is engulfing your entire emotions and life into words

Loneliness is just saying okay I’m doing fine because what the hell is the point on dwelling on the small wrong things when someone is just

Going to tell you someone you don’t even know is going through worse

Now some of y’all know what I mean as some of y’all don’t..those that don’t you’ll truly will never understand that loneliness isn’t just a feeling you can get rid of

Poetry jam: Addendum

July 10, 2020

So I’ve been trying this poem for this guy

Actually more like 2…

I couldn’t get the words right maybe y’all could help me out:

“From the dancing and laughing

To the kisses on the forehead

The subtle touches showing you care

You asked me what I see and what I be thinking

When you catch me admiring you

Well Ive been trying to figure out the best way describe it

You can be brittle but you always stayed firm.

You are as sweet as you want to be….

a tad crazy….slightly bitter

…but Always a cornball

Your skin feels like …1000 thread count sheets

…actually more like Raw shea butter on a hot summer day

Your smile is so radiant that sun light is dim around you”

Nahhh that’s not it sounded way to sweet and endearing like I yearned for you or. something

Okay let try again:

Silly things I believed in

I believed in crazy things when I was younger

You know Santa, tooth fairy, monster under the bed

Stuff like that

those are the kind of things to you can’t get over when you find out it’s not real

So why can’t I get over you

It’s not like I’m in love with you or anything

Could it be that I believed in your truth

Your struggle, your success and intellect

Or could it be that I believed in your lies, while compromising and believing there could’ve something between us

see now that just mad sad that can’t be it… you know what?never mind